The death of your spouse leaves you with a cornucopia of unfulfilled needs- emotional, physical, practical, intellectual, and social. It is hard to imagine all the slots your spouse once filled until the gaps stand testimony to your loss. Yet our need for intimacy persists, and we may experience disappointment when we turn to others to fill some of these voids. For instance, we may assume that our families or children will automatically be there for us, telepathically sense our moods, our emotional requirements...They should be able to "read" us somewhat like our spouse did. Well, this just is not true. Probably no one will have that intuitive sense the way your spouse had. Family and close friends will not be able to fill all the roles left by the death of your spouse. Rather than becoming angry at those closest to you for failing to anticipate and meet your unspoken needs, remember that you're asking the impossible. We all have limitations; people give according to their capacities. Be thankful for what is offered, and then find ways to meet some of those more pressing needs. Counseling may be helpful; sometimes an impartial ear frees you to open up in ways that you can't with your family or friends.

Support Groups

One of the best things you might ever do for yourself is to summon your courage and attend a support group for the widowed. You'll discover a reservoir of sympathy, understanding, friendship and information from people who have "walked in your shoes."...When you see that you are not alone, you will feel less alone. You will discover HOPE. Many widowed who have participated in these support groups make treasured friendships sealed by a special bond of understanding.

If it is difficult for you to tell others what your needs are during this period, you face disillusion and a feeling of rejection...Instead of withdrawing, it is better for the widowed to seek out at least one other person to listen to what you may really be feeling behind the public façade or the "stiff upper lip." If you've been conditioned all your life to keep your troubles to yourself, you may be headed for a backlash of pain when the suppressed emotions of grief emerge later, as they surely will.

Where are My Friends?

How many times have you innocently said to a friend, "Let's get together for lunch / dinner / a movie / anything...only to fail to follow through? Well then, why do we expect it to be any different now when these statements are made soon after the death of a spouse? Good intentions abound. Action on those intentions is another matter altogether. Sometimes you feel that you've lost your friends as well as your spouse. The hard reality is that you will indeed have lost some friends, too. Some people will not be able to deal with you; they cannot find the right things to say...Perhaps these were not strong friendships to begin with. Regardless, you must now concentrate on those relationships that remain supportive. Forgive people their weaknesses. Their expressions of concern, although not acted upon, were genuine.

People will say some pretty amazing things: "Your husband/wife is in a better place." "It was God's will." "Well, at least you had thirty years together." "You're young, you'll marry again." "God must have needed him/her in heaven." "At least you have the children." "Time will heal." Unless you've lost someone you love, it's hard to grasp just how hollow these statements can seem. You did not want your spouse to die. You want him/her back. You hurt like hell. Period. Believe it or not, the day may come when you'll laugh at some of those thoughtless remarks. Some of them can be pretty absurd. But please bear in mind that these remarks are well intended. People really struggle with what to say to the bereaved; they simply don't know what to say.

Reactions

For some reason I cannot fathom, society treats the widowed like victims. Something was done TO us. People pity you. This can be a very unwelcome response. The widowed are treated differently from other bereaved people, as if someone had abandoned you; you are now seen differently...If someone close to you begins to hinder recovery by treating you in any of the ways described above, you may find it necessary to clear the air...You may have to "educate" the people close to you on what is appropriate behavior toward you.

There are so many details to attend to after the death of a spouse. Often the widowed plunge into these tasks, seeking refuge in time-consuming responsibilities. We ignore fatigue, nervousness, anger, moodiness, physical ailments. Perhaps we think the world expects us to be stoic, valiant, examples of courage. Rubbish! Give yourself a break. Take time to grieve. There will be time enough later for finishing household projects, learning to cook...Let your family, close friends, clergy or lawyer help with some of the more immediate tasks (funeral, child care, insurance matters, etc), leaving you energy for the harder task of grief work that lies ahead. Save major decisions for a later time when your vision is less clouded by anxiety and panic. Chances are you have far more options than you originally perceived. The world is full of stories of people who regret decisions they made in haste. Give yourself time.

Fear

Aside from sadness, the most overwhelming emotion I initially felt was fear. I didn't want to think, I didn't want to contemplate the consequences of what had happened. Time stood still for the first few days, moments felt like hours; I could not look ahead.
In those first few hours, few days, it is important to accept any assistance offered. Your family and friends need to express their love and concern, you need to conserve your emotional and physical resources. You need a "safe harbor." You become less afraid when you see the evidence of love and caring from those who gather around you in those early days; you are not alone.