Surviving the Loss of a Sibling

As with any grief, sibling grief is unique -- it is influenced by the emotional bond and attachment level you had with your sibling. For younger siblings, there was never a time in their life when their older sibling did not exist. Older siblings may not remember the time before their younger siblings became a part of their life. For many, siblings are the first people with whom we socialize on an equal basis. We grow around each other, not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. We learn to test, harmonize, play, joke, fight, and jockey for family positions with our siblings. We have our share of good times, but we also have bad experiences with them. They are familiar yet unique. They are exasperating and entertaining. Sometimes we consider them friends and sometimes we do not. They are an important part of our lives because we have known them for a long time.

Changes in the Family System

When a sibling dies, role within the family system change. Each family member-mother, father, brother, sister-plays a unique role within their family system. You may have been considered the rebellious child or the family prankster, or you may have been the responsible child or the one who got blamed for everything. These roles often change as we become adults, but most adults hold on to some relational habits from their childhood. However, when your sibling died, you lost not only a unique loved one but also that person's role within the family system. If your sibling organized the family parties, someone else must now take that role. If your sibling was the peacemaker during family quarrels, someone else must now take on that responsibility. You may feel your sibling's loss deeply as you become aware of the special part he or she played within your family. It is normal that you and other siblings will try to "fill in" some of these roles. Some changes may take place quite naturally and easily, while others may feel awkward and cause conflict within the family.

Part of your role within your family may be related to birth order. If the age difference was great enough between you and the brother or sister who died, you may feel almost as though you have lost a parent or child. When a brother or sister dies, there is a change in the birth order. If the oldest sibling died, the second is now the oldest. If there was just the two of you, you are now an "only child." If your sibling was your twin or part of a multiple birth, you probably feel that part of yourself died, too. You may even feel that the "wrong one" died. Another sibling may remind you of your dead brother or sister, either physically or in some other way. If your sibling had children, these children may remind you in a painful way of your loss. In spite of society's lack of knowledge of the depth of your grief, you are painfully aware of the hole left by your sibling's death.

Many bereaved siblings find it difficult to answer social questions pertaining to their life. When someone casually asks, "How many brothers and sisters do you have?' or, "How many are there in your family?" You may feel unable to respond. There is no "right' way to answer these questions. You may answer differently from time to time depending on how you feel and the setting in which you find yourself. Some feel very strongly that if they don't mention a dead loved one they are denying their existence or their importance to the family. Others feel, at times, they don't want to explain their sibling's death, so they respond differently.

Relationships with Parents

Under the stress of coping with the death of their child, your parents may now react to you as though you were still a small child. If is important to understand that your parents are struggling with the "unnaturalness" of losing a child before their own death. You may find your parents trying to comfort you at the expense of themselves or attempting to protect you from the reality of death. They are probably trying very hard to keep you from witnessing the depths of their own grief, which makes it difficult to share feelings with one another. You may struggle to make sense of the fact that each parent is grieving differently from you. If you sense a barrier is forming within your family system, talk with your parents and give them some solid ways they can be supportive of you. In turn, invite them to tell you what you can do to comfort them. In times of crisis, it is very easy to fall into old parent/child habits, but it doesn't have to be that way. They will need to give a little, but so will you.

Your parents may have always been there for you in times of crisis. Even if you aren't close to your parents, it can be painful to suddenly become aware of their vulnerability. You may never have seen your parents vulnerable or thought of them as unique individuals, independent of their roles as your mother and father. This may be the first time you've turned to your parents for support and they can't solve the problem or make it better for you. You may need to grieve the loss of your parents whom you viewed as always strong, always in control and never vulnerable. For some, the loss of parental figures is nearly as significant as the death of the sibling. In time you may be able to develop a new relationship with your parents. Talk with them about what you observe, and ask them to share with you how they see you differently.

Source:
www.madd.org
by Stephanie Frogge, MTS, CTS & Carolyn Cantrell, MSSW