After the First Year of Loss

The first year of bereavement brings raw pain, disbelief, the agony of reality, and many other deep emotions - emotions many of us have never experienced or at least have not experienced to this same depth. The time period after the first year is usually not quite as pain-filled as all the firsts were. Although we may be a little better, often we are not nearly as healed as we would like to be. It helps to understand this next period and to learn some skills for coping. It is most helpful if we lower our expectations of ourselves, work on our grief, and hold onto HOPE. Remember, grief is different for everyone. It is like fingerprints or snowflakes; no two are alike. Everyone grieves differently, so don't compare yourself to others or place yourself on a timetable. Some of the following suggestions/observations may help you.

Physical symptoms may become more acute (stomach disorders, headaches, sleeplessness). Have a check-up.

Insufficient sleep plagues many bereaved. It may be helpful to give up all caffeine and alcohol. Physical exercise helps you to relax and makes you sleepy.

Check frequently that you have balance in your life: work, recreation (including exercise, hobbies, reading), adequate rest, and prayer.

Don't be alarmed if depression reenters your life or appears for the first time. Depression is normal and its recurrence is also normal.

Our grief may seem "out of control." We may feel as if we are "going crazy." This is common to bereaved people. It is important to realize grief work takes time. Much more time than we think it should. Be patient with yourself.

Consider that even though you are struggling with grief, you would rather have had the time with your loved one than not to have had them in your life at all.

It helps to consider that our loved ones are happy-free of pain and hassles-that we will be together again. Also, if you died, would you want your loved ones to mourn deeply the rest of their lives? You would want them to enjoy life as much as possible. They want this for you.

Loneliness may seem to engulf us as we look ahead to life without our loved one. Find new friends, worthwhile work, and connect with friends from the past. Pleasant memories can help, too.

WHY??? If the "Why" is bothering you, ask it again and again until you can come to terms with it. You may never know why. It may remain a mystery that you choose to let go. When you can, concentrate on your choice to get better.

Be aware of becoming critical of yourself, either consciously or unconsciously, due to unrealistic expectations.

A different level of reality may hit you. We usually no longer deny the death, but now face the reality and its long term implications.

It may be the time to struggle with new life patterns. We may have handled the grief by overactivity (workaholic, etc.) If our previous style of grieving has not been helpful, we must be willing to try new approaches, such as becoming more active in a support group; finding telephone friends; reading about grief; developing coping skills; becoming determined not to become or remain stuck in our grief; doing our grief work; holding on to hope.

It is vital to find a friend with whom you can talk.
This is the one significant factor that prevents
people from sliding into deep depression.
You can find such help in a support group.

We should carefully consider the phases of grief. One or more phases may be giving us trouble, such as anger or guilt. If so, recognize the phase and work on it. Don't push it down or ignore it.

Other events in your life may also be adding to your grief (trouble with spouse, children, work, etc.) Realize this happens to many grieving people and that it does complicate your grief.

You may or may not cry as often as you did at first, but when you do, realize it is therapeutic. Don't fight the tears. As author Jean G. Jones says in Time Out for Grief, "Cry when you have to-laugh when you can." We often hear "Time will heal." Yes, time does soften the hurt a bit, but mainly it is what we do with time: read, talk, struggle with the phases, get help when we become stuck in a phase, be gentle with ourselves, lower our expectations, build a pleasant time with family and friends, pray.

Source:
"How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies"
by Therese Rando

After the First Year... Then What?